Real Fears

There are times when I miss her monitor. The times when I am leaping out of bed in the middle of the night just to check on her breathing. The times when she is taking a nap and I am trying to sweep the floors but I cannot take my eyes off of her. When we are driving down the road and I stare at the mirror facing her car seat trying to see if she is ok. Then there are times when I want to put her in a bubble and protect her from the world. I run into Walgreens to pick up diapers and as I stand in line I fear the person behind me has RSV and my little princess will catch it. I go to the doctor and feel the germs floating through the air chasing after me as I just try and protect her until we get called back. My hands and arms are cracking from the hand washing and sanitizer. I am constantly looking at her making sure she is not desatting. I fear SIDS, A's, B's, and D's, RSV, the flu, the common cold, germs in general, cigarette smoke, strong scents, the thought of going back in the hospital, or just failing. Failing from keeping her safe from this big germy unpredictable world.

I recently made the mistake of reading the blog of a mother who had a daughter in the NICU. Although every NICU story is different, the babies tend to all follow the same obstacles. This baby was no exception to the rule. I was reading the blog in reverse chronological order, which means I knew the outcome far before I read the journey. After the little girl was about a year old, the child caught a severe respiratory infection and passed suddenly. The mother also blogged about another NICU graduate who died unexpectedly in the car seat while heading to the doctor.

I already had the fears of these things happening, but knowing they happened to real babies and to real parents is truly terrifying. I thought I had insomnia before, have you seen the bags under my eyes lately? They are like a monster taking over my face.

The hungry, pooping, teething girl is awake and is demanding the hunger feeling be fixed. Immediately.